Life as " M "|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
"M" or if that doent seffice steve's LiveJournal:
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|Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005|
|Sad, Confused & Angry
I don't know why women are the way they are but it is fucked up!
I guess I should start with why I am sad, it all started with my girlfriend she is loosing her place to live and was supposed to live with me. Now she is like "I want to be in a relationship with you but i don't think I can handle living with you right now" and I am like well where are you going to live and she is like I will couch surf. first it makes me sad that she does not want to live with me and second how can I be there for her and protect her if something goes wrong due to her couch surfing.
I am confused because we have spent every moment of every day for the last month together and now she is like making me feel like I am just some rebound guy and I made the mistake of saying it is not you that is giving me an attitude it is just that your period has just started you are having some mood swings. this threw her over the edge and she took everything she owns from my house and left. now she wont answer my calls and I am afraid I am going to be spending another holiday by myself and I don't know what to do do I let her have her space and she will come back when she is ready or do I pretend like I did nothing wrong or is there some other way to handle this?
Ahhhh.... and now for why I am angry!!!! dun dun daaaaaa!!!!!!
I was at the house of my girlfriends friends and he lives with his mom and his best friend. We are all drinking jack and the kid that lives there his name is fez and his friends name is smerf. Smerf is a 20 yr. old gutter punk and as we all know gutter punks drink like fish. So smerf is all chill with me and buddy buddy and when my girl and fez go to smoke a cig I watch smerf, and he tells me I am awesome and the best boyfriend that my girl has ever had but he has known her longer and thought he should be dating her. I was like it is all good what ever. then he passes out and wakes up about 30 min. later and for no apparent reason punches me in the face and I am just like what the fuck! and I feel my face and I am bleeding from the eyebrow. It took every bit of self control I had to not throw my girl of my lap and beat his ass, next thing I know I am being dragged out of the basement to the bathroom. Then I am com and fine and promise my girl I won't do anything I will just let it slide. So i go out of the bathroom to find everyone trying to keep smerf in the house and from freezing to death in his wife beater and cut off camo shorts. So I pick him up and carry him down the stairs to the basement and the fucking kid bits my skull then my arm and then my fucking nose. So I drop his ass 4 steps from th bottom and kick him in the head as he is falling then jump on him and start hitting him and I get pulled off by the mom fez and my girl. I go up stairs and see that my nose is fucked up then I see fez come running up the stairs to call the ambulance because fez kicked smerf in the throat because smerf tried to hit fezzes mom then I go down and a minute or so later smerf is fine and he hits my girl in the stomach and I jump on him and start choking the life out of him and hitting him in the face. Yet again the mom this time only fucking throws me off of him and I storm off ready to kill anybody who comes near me. cops get there and he goes to detox. Why I am raging pissed is because I prided myself on the fact that I had no facial scars and my hair and face are my best aspects. Well not any fucking more! the left side of my nose is fucking missing 2 big ass chunks. Fucking A!!!!!!!! Current Mood: crappy
|Sunday, October 23rd, 2005|
it has been a long time since my life has gone as well as I think it is going. I don't care about how long it has been since I last felt good inside because all that matters is that I feel semi normal for the moment. I am not all fucked up I have been seeing some interesting women making lots of friends have a place to live and doing fucking great compared to how I was a few months ago now all I need is a job and a car and I will be doing even better. I even have lost a bunch of weight and feel good about myself. I wish the world could be a better place though if only we could get rid of this ignoramus we have for a president and I will say more on that at another time but I have to go for now. Current Mood: content
|Friday, August 26th, 2005|
|Things dont seem so bad now!
So life is looking better than it was, I have an apartment new friends if I can call them that yet they are more like acquaintances for now. I have a young woman who I am seeing and who seems to like me for me. she is a year older than me and a foot shorter, which I think is sexy because I love short women. Her profession is nursing she is an RN and still going to school. I actually feel good about life for once. I have even lost some more weight which was not that big of a deal because I am not that fat but it definitely brings me closer to my goal of weighing 185lbs. The only thing that will make my life better than it is would be a job. I just want to say I am sorry to everyone about my last post I was just in a bad place and a horrible mood at that time. I may possibly decide to go back to college at some point and further my education.
I started doing my art again and I showed this gallery some of my work from my portfolio after filling out the application for gallery space and they approved me for 60ft. of wall space in the gallery. It's fucking awesome! I guess so much has happened in the last few weeks I am just happy with my new developments. It's as if life is starting to smile on me instead of shit on me.
I guess I will go for now. Current Mood: happy
|Monday, August 8th, 2005|
It has been a long time since my last post, I am not sorry either because I feel as though the only think in this life that is worth worrying about is me. I guess this sounds selfish but who fucking cares, I don't! I used to want to care and tried so hard too, It never got me anywhere. One thing that I definitely have noticed is no matter ho much I tried to care and did care about others. It always blew up in my face or it went unnoticed or even unappreciated. All I have ever gotten from people is shit and all I ever wanted was to have a hand full of friends to say I could trust with anything. I have 2 and it seems one is gone and I will never find them and the other is unable to be here due to certain events that took place in my life but if he could be here I bet he would. Jay and Nick my 2 best friends in the whole world where ever you are I wish you both well and I hope our paths cross again some day. I have been subject to some unfortunate events in my life, some my own doing and others not at all. I cant do it any more I have lost all faith in people and my own ability to feel any emotion other than emptiness, pain, anger and sadness. Well I guess i will go for now and I will come back when I have some thing I feel I have to say. Current Mood: angry
|Friday, June 24th, 2005|
|feeling better but am still very unsure
I feel as though I am being watched by the cops. I have chosen my path yet I can not express it to any person at any time. when things are safe and back to normal again I will tell my story and hell it might be a good one and it might not. I wish I would have made different choices in my life. though I did make the wrong ones I am paying for them now. I will keep you semi informed as to my progress and decisions. from her on in it is a need to know basis and you will only know what you need to know or what I want you to know. Al, Tiphy, Danny, Danika and others that I don't have time to name I wish you all well in your journeys through life and we shall meet again an another road or crossing.
Le Vampire Current Mood: pessimistic
|Tuesday, June 21st, 2005|
|scared of myself
I dont know how to start this of but I am so fucking scared right now I dont know what I might do. for those of you that know me I just am at the end of my string and I feel it is time to let go of it. I am a person of many dark secrets and I have hid them for so long but now things are starting to come back I thought I got away with something awhile back and it turns out I didnt it just took longer than expected to be found out. I am just so scared right now that I have been contemplating killing myself. I am actually more scared than I have ever been and I cant handle what the outcome might be if I live. So this may be goodbye and it may not I will keep you informed but I cant make promises nor can I go into detail of what is going on. I wish I was never born. my friendship and love goes out to those I am close with and please dont be saddened by my choices just be happy that I chose the one that was the best for me and all of you.
-stephen- Current Mood: scared
|Wednesday, June 15th, 2005|
Yeah so it has been roughly a week since my last post and I am trying to keep my journal sort of current by posting once a week. Lets see how long this lasts!
Well in the last week I have found myself in quite the interesting situation because I can either work at Boston Market for $8/hr and start fairly soon, wait a month and get paid between $10-$15/hr for doing nothing at the track and due to my experience it will be closer to $15 but it is only seasonal work, or I can work at Siero's restaurant for $9/hr get shit tons of overtime and mad cash but it is also seasonal work. The fucking decisions I have to make are so frustrating.
On better notes I got a new shirt today. It fucking rocks I am not to partial to the color but what ever it was $1.99 you cant beat that. It's got a deep red almost maroon strip around the collar and sleeves and the actual color is like a mix between white and that dark red color so it sort of looks pink. In the center of the shirt is a star and in the star it says "King of Nothing" and that is what I am! new clothes rock.
On even better notes I got laid on this past friday, it was well deserved and much needed it had been roughly 9 months since I had any kind of anything with a women. Not that anyone else needed to know that information but I figured hay what the hell I feel good and people should know why as well as it has risen my selfesteam.
Also in the past week and a half I have been reading bits and pieces of a story written by a friend of mine and I think it is some of the most entertaining works I have ever read and I have high hopes for it. I think there are some parts that need to be fixed there are some typo's but that is to be expected. As for the parts that are just lacking a little something I think my friend will come up with something brilliant and mindblowingly awesome to fit the storyline. So I say to Al your shit rocks man and keep the chapters coming as you see fit. If you would like any positive or negative feed back or even some ideas I'm here to help but as far as all else goes I think the story rocks.
Over all I have had a good week! Current Mood: pleased
|Tuesday, June 7th, 2005|
I have not posted in a long time but I have been so busy with looking for a job that I have not had much time for anything else. I have been so depressed lately and I just don't know what to do I want to work and have money but it just seems like I will never have that. I will be 21 in like 6 months and I will have all the money I need but it feels like so far away. My situation just seems to get worse all the time and I am running out of options. Life seemed so much easier when I was younger and now it just seems impossible, like there is nothing left for me. I have been avoiding responsibility for so long I just cant seem to remember what it is. now that I want to take on some responsibility I don't remember how it goes. I might just pack up and go to colorado or new orleans and find some work there and then come back for the winter just in time for my birthday, but I don't know yet. I think I am going to go search for some jobs online for a bit I have wasted enough time so far. Current Mood: depressed
|Tuesday, April 26th, 2005|
hay everyone I know this is going to sound intrusive, but I was wondering if you could copy my last entry and put it in your journals. Ask people to comment on it and let them know it was from me or a friend or what ever and I will read the comments from your journals. I just want it to get to people and I just don't know enough people on my friends list for it to make an impact on. If you would do this for me I would love you forever! :o) Current Mood: greatfully asking
|Monday, April 25th, 2005|
|the truth and the need
The world is a very cruel and unfriendly place to live and is all about labeling people. They are all about taking from those who don't have and never giving back. Poor and homeless people have been stigmatized in our culture because their
needs for goods and services are apparent. They cannot purchase health care,
housing, and services, so they live out their needs in public. The disheveled,
disorientated man sitting on the street corner is marketed as dangerous and
threatening to the quality of life" for housed people throughout this country.
Criminalizing that man’s behavior is an expedient means of removing him from
sight, from our concern and from offending the sensibilities of other citizens. The time for people to come together and help those in need is long past due, we have to stop labling the man on the corner and reach out to him. We have to get the necessary programs started to give these people a chance at life and let them have a fair chance. Current Mood: angry with the world
|Sunday, April 24th, 2005|
yeah so it has been like 2 weeks since I have posted but I just feel empty like I have nothing to say. Yet I reply to the things other people write, it just seems like my life is getting more dull and boring each day.
so get this I was just hanging out on friday and this guy comes up to me and the 2 people I am with. He says do you want to work for 12 - 14 dollars an hour pay in cash at the end if the day and I am like fuck yeah. So we go ( my 2 friends and I) to the work site and knock down this old ass little cottage looking thing. the guy says his brother was supposed to came by and pay us and since he didn't we should come by tomorrow and get payed. so we show up today to collect and still no money. he says he has to wait till monday to cash the check. My friend Helen got picked up by him today to go to his house and me and billy got pissed. Apparently Helen and Billy know this guy and both said he smokes crack. so I automatically think what the fuck and get pissed. (on a side note Billy and Helen are current users of crack I am not and never have and am damn proud that I am not) So any way I am debating weather or not I should rip this guy a new ass or not? Not to mention this guy destroyed my brand new pants that cost me $40 that I didn't have to start with. You probably ask how, well he is like hold this piece of wood and before I can grab it he kicks another piece of wood attached to it. It rips a hole all the way from the waist to the knee of the pants with a nail that is sticking out and almost rips a hole in my leg. Granted he only owes me $60 to $70 but it is the principal of the matter.
I'm so poor right now and all I wanted to do tonight is go to the bar an drink a few and have a relaxing night, but nooooo I am broke. Current Mood: angry
|Saturday, April 16th, 2005|
Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.
Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve
|Tuesday, April 12th, 2005|
Hay it has been a long week and it has been a while since I posted anything. It took me a while to read all the comments and post on the relevant ones. So I have been having an ok week it was not to bad I drank wed. - sat. this past week every night I was at the bar and I did some bouncing for tin and lin on thursday for free drinks. So I bought some new clothes and I feel good because I was sick of the old shit. I can't get a job for the life of me and I need money for a place to live this summer because I am staying in saratoga instead of going to colorado again. Well I guess this really has not been a good week but at the same time it seemed to go ok.
OK here is the big question and this is for everyone who goes to skidmore and or knows about "DIVA NIGHT" so if you have friends give them my LJ name and tell them to comment on this!
I am thinking about opening a private dance club called "CLUB DIVA" and it will be the the same idea. The dress code would be tube sox to duck tape anything goes as long as your bottom half is covered, after hours drinking, a dance room for each jonera of music you would find in a club( tecno, grunge, hip hop/rap/r&b, metal, and gothic). I would have to charge $50 for a 1yr. member ship $25 for a 6mo. membership and $10 for a 1day pass. I would have to do that so I wouldn't have to deal with the police because they would shut shut me down in the first 3hrs. If it is members only then it is not subject to raids because they would need a warent to come in. I also might make it accessible to use Skidmore ID to buy food and drinks there.
There is so much more to this idea but I just don't have time to tell you right now. Let me know what you think and also give some input and ideas and tell your friends to comment on this and just spread the word because it is definitely going to happen and I believe saratoga is ready for somthing like this.
Also I want to make this clear so I am not called anything bad or hated by the gay community. I know "DIVA NIGHT" was to allow people to become comfortable with them selfs and be who they are, It just ended up being a skin fest. I in no way want you to think I am saying that the original idea was just a skin fest and I don't want you to hate me because I am using the desicrated version of diva opposed to the originalversion and/or meaning of it. also I would like to thank the PRIDE CLUB for ever having DIVA because if they would have never had it. I would never have experienced it and came up with this great idea. Current Mood: excited
|Saturday, April 2nd, 2005|
You scored 23 relevance and 16 creativity!
|You are a connoiseur of bad language. Congratulations, Fuckball! Not only do you swear when appropriate (and inappropriate), you are colorful with your cocksucking concoctions. Bravo! Now go out there and continue to make the world your bitch by peppering those stuckup motherfuckers with words and phrases that make the hair on their asses curl up. And if they don't like it...well, fuck'em. |
Current Mood: amused
|My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
||You scored higher than 67% on relevance|
||You scored higher than 46% on creativity|
Days go by ever so slow,
Yet the years seem to pass so fast.
The days of ease and joy are gone.
Blown away with the wind.
The winds of my life have switched direction,
No warning, no sign.
In like a summer breeze,
It took me by surprise.
Blown away with the wind.
Where is the substance of this life.
The foundation of which I have built.
It crumbled with this change.
Blown away with the wind.
With the wind! Current Mood: poetic
|Friday, April 1st, 2005|
Hay so yeah I officially hate my life it seams like i am always getting shit on by others and I am never getting a hand up only a hand out. I need to get on my feet with life and get a job and stop this downward spiral I have been in for the last few years. It is time for me to do for me first and then do for others, but I just dont know how to do this. I'm not materialistic nor am I greedy but I seem to have all these people around me who are just those things. I think that is why I talk to people from live journal because if I talk to you chances are you rock. I think I should just cut the people out of my life that are not a part of the cause and keep the people who are. I could go on for hours about life as me but I only have a few minutes so I will leave you here. Current Mood: crappy
Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, March 29th, 2005|
Hay it’s the day after Easter and I have been up all night on the computer. I guess that makes me kind of a dork! I have taken numerous breaks though and watched a couple of movies this afternoon. I have had quite the weekend and I don’t even know where to start, I guess I should start where I last left you.
Friday – I made it to the debate and did my part as a judge. After the debate I went to Alex’s dorm which is in Scribner Village at Birch C. There was supposed to be a party there, so I tell them I have 2 bottles of top shelf liquor. I had 1 bottle of Gray Goose Vodka and 1 bottle of Tenquaray Dry Gin and they are very expensive bottles of liquor. So Alex’s house mates are pretty much women and we were all chillin and talking when I suggested they go on there alcohol run because the liquor store closed at 9:30pm. While they are all out getting beer and liquor I run to get mine and when I come back everyone is there so I break open the Gray Goose. This girl asked if she could have some and I am like yeah that is what I brought it for so people could drink it. So she goes in the kitchen and pours 2 huge glasses killing more than half my bottle. Then I get asked to leave by this one kid because he claims that there will be no party due to everyone is tired and just going to go to bed. So I leave with my alcohol and decide to go to Falstaff’s and I have a fun time dancing, making my night a little more enjoyable.
Saturday – So I go to my friend Danny’s room and he tells that he went to do the second round of debate and was late showing up. Mike the head of the debate team I guess told Danny that he thought I was pissed because of what happened the night before. Danny confirmed that I was pissed, I am even more pissed now then I was before though. This I guess the reason they told me to leave was because Alex’s female housemates didn’t know me and thought I was sketchy because I wanted to drink so bad. That is just fucked up to say about someone. I mean it is understandable to tell someone they have to leave because the people who live there don’t know you that well and feel uncomfortable with the situation. It is just fucked up and wrong that you would take more than half a bottle of really expensive liquor from someone and then tell them they can’t be there and lie to them on top of it. They have the right to call me sketchy well fuck them they are the sketchy ones.
This section has some sexual content so reader be warned because I don’t want to get replies form people saying I was inappropriate.
Moving right along Danny, his friend Andrew and I all decide we are going out to the bars. We all do a little drinking here before we leave. Once we are down town we check out the Luna Lounge but it is pretty dead, so we decide to wait on it and go to Clancy’s and I know the owner so it’s cool. We go in and Kinger (the owner) comes over and says he knows I am good but he has to ID my friends. I tell him Andrew is 21 with his temp. license which has no pic. on it. but he has his Skidmore card and a credit card for pic and name verification. I then I let him know that Danny is 20 and he just says make it look good and have them show me. He says we are good and leaves us. We then sign up for karaoke and I go and buy a beer for me and Andrew. This blond that works there does not like me so she is like I am going to have to see your friends ID’s and I’m like kinger already checked and you can confer with him if you like. So she is like what ever and sells me the beer. I no sooner get back to give the beer to my friend; she is like actually I am going to need to see their ID’s. I am just like I want my money back here is your beer and told my friends we were leaving. I spoke with Kinger on the way out and he said he would handle it. We go over to Luna Lounge, Andrew gets in and Danny sneaks in and almost gets caught so I wait outside to see if he gets thrown out. I don’t have enough money to pay a $5 cover and get drunk. I figure I can’t sneak in like Danny did so I go and make a wrist band out of orange electrical tape and I get in with no problems at all. We are all dancing for like 4 hours mainly by ourselves but having lots of fun. Here is where my night got interesting. I am dancing and I see this girl with red hair like a crayon with black under tones and she is so fucking hot. So I decide I am going to dance with her, this is where my liquid balls kick in. I’m dancing my way over to her and I grab her by the waist and start pulling her towards me as I am moving closer to her. Her cock blocking friend grabs her hand and tries to pull her away from me but she is like no it is fine and starts backing her shit up on me grinding me hardcore. I can barely stay focused because I am so aroused and she just keeps grinding on my shit pushing up on it, and there was no way she couldn’t feel my erection through my pants. We decide to sit and take a break out on the couch and I sit down and where does she sit but on my lap. So I find out she is 22 and her name is Gretchen and the other girl that was cock blocking is 26 and I don’t remember her name nor do I remember their other friends name or age. We are sitting there and she is grinding me to the music and gives me the shock of a life time, all of a sudden she gives me the old reach around and is jerking me through my pants. I can hardly stand it; I have to grind off beat just to keep from blowing my load in my pants. So I put my head on her shoulder and she turns her head slightly and I am just about to ask her if she wants to go to the bathroom and she kisses me. I’m completely speechless and she gets up and straddles me so we are face to face and she is kissing me again. I guess I am s wuss because women seem to scare me when it comes down to doing something. We made out for a while and I got as far as finger popping her until she said we should dance, I didn’t want to but I did. After dancing for a while I went to use the bathroom upstairs and when I came back she was gone. I even asked if people had seen her or where she went not a thing. So I get my jacket and leave. My night ends lonely but still it fucking rocked. It was an awesome night over all.
Sunday – I go to my sister’s house for Easter and spent the whole day there, the food was great and I had a good time. I ate so much food I am still full from it. Well I guess that concludes my weekend. Current Mood: weird
|Monday, March 28th, 2005|
the journal entry for TUESDAY/MARCH 29/2005 at 9:38am is incorrect the computers clock &calender was wrong I have now fixed it and this has been posted roughly 30min. after the the other one Current Mood: clocks suck if they are faulty